★★★★★ 5
In Kathy Koch’s Words, “To get something new, you must do something new.”
Format: Paperback
Dr. Kathy out did herself with this one. I finished the book with hope, ideas, and actionable steps, to use in my relationships with my adult children.
She repeats this phrase throughout her book, “To get something new, you must do something new.” I like this so much more than the definition of insanity, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results," (not sure who said it first and it is not my definition). I am a creature of habit and do the same things and can be amazed when nothing changes. But as Dr. Kathy states I have to do something new, and this book gives me that new. Every chapter ends with 5 actionable steps, and guided activities to apply what was discussed. Some steps are even scripted to help when you don’t know what to say.
I have 13 children. 6 have reached adulthood. 4 of them are married and we have 10 amazing grandchildren. Navigating relationships with the adult kids sometimes feels like a roller coaster ride. I can be passive aggressive and opinionated. I know better, but bad habits are hard to break.
When I got the email that this book was about to be published and Dr. Kathy was looking for some to read and give an honest opinion of it, I jumped at the chance. I received a free digital copy, and as soon as it was available I bought it.
I highly recommend this book. It was written to help with adult kids, but you can apply the ideas with communicating with any adults or even kids.
Chapter 1 “First, The Basics” as our children become adults we are their parents (noun), but are no longer to parent (verb). Our role switches to encourager, guide, counselor, coach based on mutual trust. She reminds us that our purpose is more than just parenting. She discusses the 5 core needs of security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence. She even gives a scripted Declaration of Release returning our children into the hands of an all powerful God.
Chapter 2 “Look Honestly at Yourself” Dr. Kathy hits hard here. She tells us to lose our pride, take responsibility for our part and be open to make changes. She also tells the reader to listen to learn and not to judge. This chapter gave me so much insight into my personal relationships. Reminded me that I get defensive because I don’t want to be criticized or blamed. She guides in ways to get to the bottom of hurts by asking questions and listening.
Chapter 3 “Listen More, Talk Less” No unsolicited advice. Listen to understand. Ask questions to clarify, and ask permission before giving your two cents. Hear your children. Love them. Accept them. This doesn’t mean you like or approve their choices, just acknowledge it. Focus on the present. Facts. Surrender it all to God.
Chapter 4 “How to Handle Grief So It Doesn’t Handle You” Acknowledge grief, give yourself time to accept and grieve. Grieve what isn’t and accept what is. Reject lies and embrace truth. Then work on what you can.
Chapter 5 “The Two Shall Become One” has all the tips for when your adult child marries. How to handle traditions, holidays, etc.
Chapter 6 “The Blessings of Grandchildren” has my next favorite quote. Dr. Kathy says, “Don’t judge past by today’s wisdom.” This gem is one I have repeatedly told myself since I finished reading the book. I did the best I could at that time. I have grown, matured, learned more, and am not the same person I was. She also says that God calls me to love others, not analyze and fix them. So now that the grandchildren are here I need to learn their 8 great smarts (word, logic, picture, music, body, nature, people, and self), be active and not idolize.
Chapter 7 “Close or Far away” we need to respect their home and ways. Always ask to stop by and leave judgement at the door. Instead of walking in and feeling like you should do something, instead ask “What would you like me to do.” My job is to pray and serve.
Chapter 8 “The Big Stuff:Moving Home and More” addresses the need for clear communication, clear expectations and respect.
Chapter 9 “ Politics, Lifestyle, and Other Hot Topics” Bottom line is to be open and approachable. If a topic comes up that can’t be discussed peacefully it is ok to say no to discussing right then. Always be respectful and stay calm.
Chapter 10 “The Prodigal” This one leans a lot into giving up our control and leaning into God’s sovereignty. Releasing. Grieving. Loving unconditionally. Being available to listen, but not quick to solve, and offer unsolicited advice.
Chapter 11 “Finding Hope When Life Unravels” where does our hope come from? The Lord. We cannot live in past guilt and shame. Know you did the best you could. If you did wrong, take responsibility for it. Ultimately though it is all in His hands. Sometimes we have to get out of the way and let God work in our children’s lives. We can’t. But He can. Trust in His sovereignty.
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Reviewed in the United States on April 18, 2026
